People say I'm a dreamer...I call it a defense mechanism against life.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

What is Normal?

As I was walking home tired and quite sleep deprived I yawned and immediately I rushed to cover my mouth with a certain sense of embarassment. All of a sudden I could hear my mother's voice in my head telling me to cover my mouth since that is the proper thing for a young lady to do. I then realized, liked it or not some of our parents many teachings stick with us.
Later on I realized many of my habits, I learned from what I saw at home. My parents may have not specifically taken the time to teach them to me, but I learned from their example. I'd liked to think that positive things such as my sense of honesty and hard work come from them. But then I also wonder do my perceptions of love and relationships also come from them?
My parents always had quite a tumultuous marriage and ultimately they built some much resentment towards each other that they probably couldn't remember why they had fallen in love in the first place. The separation and consequent legal battle has been far from amigable. I guess its true what they say: You marry one person and then divorce another one.

I do not hold that idealistic concept of marriage in my head, I constantly wonder if it is even worth it. Its been a long time since I've given up my dream of a magnificent white wedding and the subsequent wonderful marriage filled with love and then the perfect children. I often find myself in awe of older couples who have managed to sustain a loving marriage and show affection for each other. You see, these things were not there in my house, so I don't see them as normal. I cannot remember of an instance where my parents held hands or declared their love for one another.
I guess I also began thinking of this because the holidays are comming. I realized Christmas is no longer exciting for me, because I will never be able to spend it with all my family together. For the last few years I have been spending half of the night with my dad and then the rest of the night with my mom. I can't help it think that I am being deprived of normal family life.

Then I think, I'm not the only one. How many individuals have lived or are currently experiencing my situation? With divorce rates as high now a days, my normal may be the majority's normal as well. I've also realized that I love my parents, each one in a different and unique way. I just have to love them as individuals now. I must clarify that I am not one of those people who blaim there parents for every possible disfunction. I find that unfair because they have given me so much and have always wanted the best for me.

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