People say I'm a dreamer...I call it a defense mechanism against life.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

An Open Letter to the Universe

2009 has been a radically different year than 2008 for me. At first glance it doesn’t seem that way, I still wake up every morning at 7, and rush through traffic to get to the same office, where I sit on the same desk and do the same work. I still live in the same house where every night I crash into the same couch to watch some TV with the two same adorable orange cats. Some nights I still go out with the same group of friends and the jokes and the gossip are pretty much the same. But there is one immense difference; I can no longer call that kind hearted man every time I have some silly thing on my mind, or simply because I want to know what my favorite person on earth has been up to. After work I no longer drive up to that house which contains my life story, where I am no longer greeted with a warm hug and a great big smile. I no longer have my dad with me. Without noticing the days have passed and it has been 10 months since my sweet dad died. As it usually happens with the sudden death of a loved one, I feel there are many things I was not able to tell him. Many times have I fantasized of the possibility of writing them all down, and thanks to some cosmic fluke my dad was able to read them. So if I were to write such a letter here’s how it would read:

Dear Dad,
I know you and I are not the most expressive or emotional people on the planet, and there were many things we never said and certain topics we never touched upon, however now I feel a strong desire to share a few things with you, so please bare with me:

1. First of all 10 months, hell even 1 month is too long to go without one of your hugs. I got my last hug at the age of 24, and it still felt just as good and comforting as when I was 5.

2. You are my favorite person ever; I value your opinion more than anyone’s and I truly felt privileged every time we hung out. Beer never tasted better than in your excellent company.

3. You may or may not now this but sometimes I did crazy shit and still continue to do so from time to time, but what has always stopped me from going overboard is my fear of disappointing you. I hope in some way or another I made you proud, because I sure as hell am proud to be your daughter.

4. A lot of people say I am a lot like you and I couldn’t be happier. I love that I have your same sense of humor, your love of music, television and movies, that I’m just as cynical and incapable of showing emotion as you. Thank you for sharing with me your love of random facts and the beauty and power of written words.

5. Even though we never talked about boys, I have to tell you I think I have the subject pretty figured out. Don’t worry I had an excellent male figure; I know what a true man looks like.

6. Ever since I began working I’ve realized that every dime earned takes effort, so thank you for all that you’ve given me. Being an honest hard working family man is nothing short of remarkable.

7. It was a great feeling to go through life knowing that I had someone who really got me and who would always have my back. I’ve had a rough time dealing with having that taken away from me, but I still carry with me all the great memories and all the cool stuff you taught me.

8. Although you never said you love me I know you did, you showed it every single day of your life by being there for me, by being my friend, my mentor, my protector. I know I never said I love you, but I hope you knew. Hopefully I was able to be a good friend to you, a confidant to share your problems with, and someone who always had your back.

9. My life will never be the same without you, new people may come into my life but they will never fill that void you left. Every day I get little reminders that you are gone, and every time I feel my heart break just a little bit more. I don’t intend to let your memory fade anytime soon, and the best way I can is by writing, humbly putting together a few words to remind myself and tell whoever wants to read them what you mean to me.

10. Finally I just wanted to say thank you, it has truly been a privilege!
Related post: Sonata For a Good Man

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Le Plus Inattendu....

He was nothing like the men who usually caught her attention. He wasn’t dangerously charming; as a matter of fact he was a bit quiet and at first glance seemed somewhat dull. He didn’t say things that swept anybody off their feet; instead he was somewhat awkward and quite frankly unnecessarily blunt. He wasn’t dark and handsome; he was completely unremarkable and a bit frumpy. He wasn’t a man who led a particularly interesting life; instead he was content in the anonymity of his quiet existence. So then why was it that she couldn’t stop thinking about him, that she spent a good part of the day yearning to feel his touch and to be in the presence of his smile, a smile so sincere it made her heart swell? Then why was it that the most perfect place in the universe was in his arms?

Could it be because every time she was ready to give up on him he said something so unexpectedly sweet it made her forget any annoyance? Could it be that every time he kissed her he did so, tenderly but with an undertone of passion that left her breathless? Could it be that every time he looked at her he did so with a wonderment reserved for things of magnificance? Could it be because every time he made love to her, he made sure not to leave an inch of her body neglected?

The boy had come unexpectedly into her life and somehow had managed to turn it upside down. It had been weeks since she stopped making any sense and she hated the fact that she cared if he called, that she felt her heart sink when that call didn’t come. She got mad when she would catch herself day dreaming of him in the middle of work or when her mind involuntarily drifted away to the events that had occurred the previous night in his bedroom. She hated the fact that he had the power to make her mad, to make her smile, to make her act downright silly. What she hated even more was that it was her who had allowed this to happen; somehow she had let him into her life and from the look of things, into her heart.