People say I'm a dreamer...I call it a defense mechanism against life.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

What is Normal?

As I was walking home tired and quite sleep deprived I yawned and immediately I rushed to cover my mouth with a certain sense of embarassment. All of a sudden I could hear my mother's voice in my head telling me to cover my mouth since that is the proper thing for a young lady to do. I then realized, liked it or not some of our parents many teachings stick with us.
Later on I realized many of my habits, I learned from what I saw at home. My parents may have not specifically taken the time to teach them to me, but I learned from their example. I'd liked to think that positive things such as my sense of honesty and hard work come from them. But then I also wonder do my perceptions of love and relationships also come from them?
My parents always had quite a tumultuous marriage and ultimately they built some much resentment towards each other that they probably couldn't remember why they had fallen in love in the first place. The separation and consequent legal battle has been far from amigable. I guess its true what they say: You marry one person and then divorce another one.

I do not hold that idealistic concept of marriage in my head, I constantly wonder if it is even worth it. Its been a long time since I've given up my dream of a magnificent white wedding and the subsequent wonderful marriage filled with love and then the perfect children. I often find myself in awe of older couples who have managed to sustain a loving marriage and show affection for each other. You see, these things were not there in my house, so I don't see them as normal. I cannot remember of an instance where my parents held hands or declared their love for one another.
I guess I also began thinking of this because the holidays are comming. I realized Christmas is no longer exciting for me, because I will never be able to spend it with all my family together. For the last few years I have been spending half of the night with my dad and then the rest of the night with my mom. I can't help it think that I am being deprived of normal family life.

Then I think, I'm not the only one. How many individuals have lived or are currently experiencing my situation? With divorce rates as high now a days, my normal may be the majority's normal as well. I've also realized that I love my parents, each one in a different and unique way. I just have to love them as individuals now. I must clarify that I am not one of those people who blaim there parents for every possible disfunction. I find that unfair because they have given me so much and have always wanted the best for me.

Friday, November 18, 2005

The modern single girl

For some time now I have chosen to stay away from serious relationships. I constantly find myself in the position of the "single friend". The one EVERYONE is trying to hook up with their wonderfully charming friends, sons, cousins, co-workers, nephews, etc......the list goes on and on.
They keep trying to figure out what is terribly wrong with me. I guess I am not looking for love, at least right now. I must also admit that I am not very good at being the "girlfriend" and relationship dymanics tend to bore me. To add to my oddity, I feel that I am not ready for marriage any time soon and will not be for quite some time. I just feel that I have so much to do and figure out on my own before I can commit.
I used to think that I fit into the typical modern independent woman mentality. But as I share my view with other twenty-something females, I find that the reception to my "delussional ideas" on love and relationships is not so warm. Most females still have the desire of marriage before 30 and the ticking of their biological clocks is lound and clear.
I am commonly called a cynic by my friends. I can remember one instance where my girlfriends and I were looking over a bridal magazine (which by the way brings out the fairy tale dilussions in most women) and I saw a dress and casually commented that that would make a perfect 2nd wedding gown. My friends just stared at me in shock. I guess I've simply added the possibility of failure in my definition of love. But looking on the bright side, I've also added the possibility of second chances (a secoond wedding).
Don't get me wrong, I want to fall in love, someday. I simply don't believe in setting deadlines for love.

very late night thoughts

As I lit my 1 AM cigarette, I stared out into the city and just had the feeling that the night was filled with possibilities. For a second there, I had the urge to put on my coat and just wonder off into the night. From time to time I do go out for late night walks, and for some strange reason I find comfort and even exitement in the city's issolation. If there are no cars driving by, I favor the middle of the street, over the sidewalk. I find its such a liberating experience. I feel as if the city were mine, including the street, just for that brief moment.