2009 has been a radically different year than 2008 for me. At first glance it doesn’t seem that way, I still wake up every morning at 7, and rush through traffic to get to the same office, where I sit on the same desk and do the same work. I still live in the same house where every night I crash into the same couch to watch some TV with the two same adorable orange cats. Some nights I still go out with the same group of friends and the jokes and the gossip are pretty much the same. But there is one immense difference; I can no longer call that kind hearted man every time I have some silly thing on my mind, or simply because I want to know what my favorite person on earth has been up to. After work I no longer drive up to that house which contains my life story, where I am no longer greeted with a warm hug and a great big smile. I no longer have my dad with me. Without noticing the days have passed and it has been 10 months since my sweet dad died. As it usually happens with the sudden death of a loved one, I feel there are many things I was not able to tell him. Many times have I fantasized of the possibility of writing them all down, and thanks to some cosmic fluke my dad was able to read them. So if I were to write such a letter here’s how it would read:
Dear Dad,
I know you and I are not the most expressive or emotional people on the planet, and there were many things we never said and certain topics we never touched upon, however now I feel a strong desire to share a few things with you, so please bare with me:
1. First of all 10 months, hell even 1 month is too long to go without one of your hugs. I got my last hug at the age of 24, and it still felt just as good and comforting as when I was 5.
2. You are my favorite person ever; I value your opinion more than anyone’s and I truly felt privileged every time we hung out. Beer never tasted better than in your excellent company.
3. You may or may not now this but sometimes I did crazy shit and still continue to do so from time to time, but what has always stopped me from going overboard is my fear of disappointing you. I hope in some way or another I made you proud, because I sure as hell am proud to be your daughter.
4. A lot of people say I am a lot like you and I couldn’t be happier. I love that I have your same sense of humor, your love of music, television and movies, that I’m just as cynical and incapable of showing emotion as you. Thank you for sharing with me your love of random facts and the beauty and power of written words.
5. Even though we never talked about boys, I have to tell you I think I have the subject pretty figured out. Don’t worry I had an excellent male figure; I know what a true man looks like.
6. Ever since I began working I’ve realized that every dime earned takes effort, so thank you for all that you’ve given me. Being an honest hard working family man is nothing short of remarkable.
7. It was a great feeling to go through life knowing that I had someone who really got me and who would always have my back. I’ve had a rough time dealing with having that taken away from me, but I still carry with me all the great memories and all the cool stuff you taught me.
8. Although you never said you love me I know you did, you showed it every single day of your life by being there for me, by being my friend, my mentor, my protector. I know I never said I love you, but I hope you knew. Hopefully I was able to be a good friend to you, a confidant to share your problems with, and someone who always had your back.
9. My life will never be the same without you, new people may come into my life but they will never fill that void you left. Every day I get little reminders that you are gone, and every time I feel my heart break just a little bit more. I don’t intend to let your memory fade anytime soon, and the best way I can is by writing, humbly putting together a few words to remind myself and tell whoever wants to read them what you mean to me.
10. Finally I just wanted to say thank you, it has truly been a privilege!
Related post: Sonata For a Good Man
6 comments:
There's no love like a fathers love for his daughter.
Believe me.
I consider myself pretty lucky to have experienced that kind of love :)
And no kind of love like a daughter has for her Dad.
Stella-the first post of yours I read was about your father, and I remember how it touched me and made me cry as this today. This kind of bond is irreplaceable and stays with one throughout one's life, not just the sadness but the joy and gratitude as well. I had a similar closeness to my mother and I credit her with my happiness and the feeling that the sun is smiling down on me every day.
hi, this is the first time that i was able to read your post. you gave me the idea of how to experience the love of a father. i think i may have forgotten it at some point because it had been years since my parents were separated and you reminded me about the love and care that a father can provide. i guess i have been looking for that kind of love for a long time. thanks for making me realize of what i was missing.
wow! it was touching.
..Although you never said you love me I know you did, you showed it every single day of your life by being there for me, by being my friend, my mentor, my protector..
:)
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