People say I'm a dreamer...I call it a defense mechanism against life.

Friday, June 05, 2009

The Questionable Evolution of Stella K

It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting in my living room, the TV is on but I’m not paying much attention to it, its just there for background noise. The volume is high enough to emit sufficient sound to keep me company, but not high enough to distract me from my thoughts. As I look around my cozy lair, I’m not alone; my two cats are here, each one sitting in their self appointed seats in the couches. For me this is bliss, it is the peace I need to end the day. As my mind is flooded by a whirlwind of thoughts, as it usually happens at this hour, one of my best friends comes to mind. We went to school together all of our lives and during the last couple of years in high school we became best friends. She was the quintessential party animal, an unstoppable force of nature, never a dull moment with her. And I was her partner in crime. After high school we went our separate ways, I went to Canada for college, and she went to Florida. We kept in touch with the occasional email, but twice a year we returned home, and for those few weeks we were back on, full force. Our many nights out seemed to fuse into one big, confusing, drunken, fun blur.

Since graduating from college a lot has happened in her life, she got married and had a baby. In April I flew to Miami for a visit, even though I was so glad to see my friend I couldn’t help but realize how much she had changed. Life had changed her, the main difference being that it wasn’t all about her anymore, it was about the cute toddler walking around uncontrollably, it was about the new family she has created for herself.

This got me thinking, since high school how much have I changed myself? At first glance it seems not too much, I still like to go out, I’m still always late for everything, I’m still the class clown (well the office clown now), I still suck at relationships, and I’m still that incurable day dreamer who spends her days between the real world and the universe of fantasy within her head.

But then again I do feel I have changed; I can feel the changes that took place within me, in the core of me. First of all I’ve realized I have to open up to people more, otherwise it’s gonna be a lonely existence. I realized that in order to have good friends you have to be one yourself. I’ve also learned to give people a chance, don’t dismiss them so quickly, they may surprise you. Those you least expect are capable of great kindnesses.

When I was in high school I wasn’t the prettiest girl for sure, and during my teenage years I struggled with my self-image. Now I can say I’m quite happy with how I look, most importantly I’ve come to accept that the body and face I was given are not half bad. From experience I’ve learned that you can be sexy without being perfect, guys can sometimes love the imperfections that torture you. Yet, I like to think a homely girl still lives inside my head, she keeps me grounded, she keeps it real!

Now I realize that life is quite uncertain, we are put on this earth with no explanation or instructions, so the best we can do is act in a decent and humane way, not because we seek a prize in the afterlife but because it is the right thing to do, because we choose good over evil. We all share this same fate, so whenever we can we must help each other get through this.

During high school and my college years I wasted too much time being unproductive; I slept too much, and watched too much TV. Now I realize that there is a wealth of knowledge waiting to be learned. Now the only thing the truly excites me when I wake up in the morning is the possibility of learning something new. By learning I don’t necessarily mean formal learning, by exploring simple topics great lessons can be learned. For example a couple of years ago I took on gardening, and from it I’ve learned patience and discipline. Green leaves and beautiful flowers don’t happen overnight, they take constant effort and a lot of patience.

I’ve always consider myself creative, but for years I never took on any creative endeavor because I never found something I was good enough at. Now I know that the greatest reward doesn’t come from the quality of the finished product but from the fact that YOU made it. Before you created it didn’t exist. I guess this is the main reason why I blog and why I take photographs.

So perhaps I haven’t taken any of the “big” steps such as marriage or having kids, but I like to believe I have evolved, hopefully for the best. I can only hope I shall continue this path of growth (or at least what I consider growth). However I must clarify that I wish my sense of humor and my over-active imagination remain untouched, I like living with head a bit above the clouds...

1 comment:

Ralph Ivy said...

Stella, if that is you above with the umbrella I think your are being swept by a beautiful wind.

Yes, who knows where one will land?

But by writing, expressing your doubts, reflecting a memory, bringing back an old friend, relaxing back - the TV humming comfortable in the background - and posting it here, you reach out to others, give them a flash into your world. (And someday a record when/if you have children - that will be a treasure for them.)

And this is the gift of a writer, a photographer, an artist, reaching beyond one's own senses and sharing it. Gives us our new moments. Thank you.