People say I'm a dreamer...I call it a defense mechanism against life.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

New Friends


The summer was coming to an end and it had been just like all the summers before it, as far back as the Girl could remember in her short existence. The other kids in town would spend their days outside getting dirty and making the most of this joyous time away from school. The Girl had done so in the past, but having turned ten just recently she felt she had outgrown such activities. So instead she stayed home devouring old fashion magazines from her aunt’s beauty salon. The styles were usually outdated, but the glamour seemed timeless to the Girl. She would imagine herself in a magical world with beautiful people untouched by the hardships of real life. “Oh yeah…” she thought “and there’s no dust either, I hate dust”.

That afternoon she had spent hours trying to decipher articles meant for much older readers and jotting down the foreign sounding names of designers and people who seemed to be important in that world that now fascinated her. She flipped the page and came across a phrase that would remain present in her mind for the rest of her life “diamonds are a girl’s best friend”. She then started to wonder how a piece of shinny rock could be a friend to anybody. Her mother was outside on the porch sewing buttons onto her father’s worn out shirts. Perhaps her mother could help her understand this most peculiar sentence. “Mamma, can I ask you a question?” “Sure baby” responded her mother sweetly. “I was reading some old magazines and it says that diamonds are supposed to be a girl’s best friends, how come?” The mother burst out into laughter and explained to her daughter the best way she could “well diamonds sure aint no friends of mine, they rarely make their way to this side of town”. “Why not?” insisted the girl. “Silly girl you must understand that those magazines show pretty things that people like you and me will never have”.
The girl went back inside feeling angry that at only ten years of age she had already been sentenced by her own mother to an ordinary life. She loved her mother, but she didn’t want to be her, and she knew the only way to become who she wanted was to leave that dusty town behind. So from that day on she began to prepare her exodus which would occur exactly eight summers later, by continuing to devour the magazines which she thought contain the knowledge needed to exist beyond the town.

Twenty summers had passed since she had first learned of these elusive pieces of carbon and twelve summers since she had left her dusty hometown behind. That summer was turning out to be exactly like the many summers gone by, when all of a sudden a shiny black car came into town leaving a cloud of dust as it flew by. The car stopped in front of the humble house where and old lady sat in her porch. The woman who stepped out of the car was dressed with things that women of that town were never going to have. She made her way towards the porch and smiled at the old lady and said “Hi Mamma!” “Well it seems like you’ve done well for yourself”. “It hasn’t been all good, but at least I’ve made new friends”-said the Girl smugly as she opened her jacket to reveal an exquisite diamond necklace.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Something Better...

Every day was exactly the same as the one before and the one to come would also be just the same. A first wave of pain would hit like a ton of bricks just as she woke up; it was the knowledge of being hurt by the person she loved the most. The second wave of pain would carry on throughout her workday and it was delivered through the constant coming and going of painful memories of the spectaculardestruction of her love story. The third and final wave of pain would appear in the evening when the quiet and stillness did a perfect job of showcasing the emptiness left behind by the one who had left. So one night tired of thishalf existence, before going to sleep she wished with every sad and desperate particle of her being that someday she would be able to let go of the past and finally start walking towards the future without looking back ever again. Turns out life was much wiser than her and considerably more generous than she ever thought possible because slowly but surely it would grant her something

With no immediate relief in sight she made a promise to herself that no matter how heavy her heart felt at least her body would get up every morning and face life and as for her mind she decided to keep it busy with new knowledge. “Eventually my heart will catch up, it has to!” she thought.And just like that the days passed and her heart felt less of a burden because now every morning it too got up and joined the body in living and it found joy in the knowledge acquired by the always busy brain. The memories of the past crept up on her once in a while sending a more modest and brief burst of pain, but she had learned to live with them and see them for what they were…memories.

The Man had come into her life the way all great romances do, unexpectedly. He was smart and quite funny in a not so obvious way, but the fact that she understood this made her glad. He was sufficiently charming, but not too much as too raise any suspicions of insincerity. As they spent more time together she would sometimes catch herself smiling for no apparent reason and her stomach was a good kind of uneasy. One day the Man took her out to a small lake and invited her to take a ride on tiny old paddleboat. The opposite shore of the lake looked beautiful, but for some reason she keptlooking back at the shore they were now leaving behind.This reminded her of her own life, and all the time she had wasted being tormented by the ghosts of the past. She thenremembered about how she had wished to never look backagain, and realized that life hadn’t granted her that, but something better…to be able to look back without agony and bitterness, but as a reminder of how far she had come. She now understood that all the pain of the past hadn’t hardened her heart; it had prepared it for love. She didn’t want to hurt the man, she wanted to love him.

“What are thinking about?”-asked the Man casually. Shelooked at him with a smile and said “something better”.

Monday, August 06, 2012

The Gamble...

The boy was finally enjoying success in his professional life, he had found a steady job where he worked hard but his opinion was valued and his efforts seemed to be recognized. Turns out he was on his way to being somebody someday, despite what everyone thought of him! The Girl felt hopeful that a future together, was now a possibility and not just an improbable dream. The problem was that this job took him all over the place and he now rarely spent time in the city where he had met the Girl, where they had fallen in love. The Girl however, was still in the city, which now seemed so empty and so foreign without the Boy. Her only comfort came at night with the ring of her phone; it was the Boy’s daily call. She would be greeted by a voice that was familiar in a way that a pleasant memory is; it was a voice that belonged to a happier time that now only seemed to exist in the past. He would start by telling her about his day, and then it would be her turn to do the same, they would exchange a few laughs and soon enough the Boy would start yawning and they would say goodnight. These exchanges were pleasant but void of any real passion, the kind that comes from physical proximity and a shared existence.

So the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months, and that nightly ritual just didn’t cut it anymore. She tried to stay positive, focusing only on the deep love she felt for the Boy and the promise of happier times with him by her side, but a voice inside her head kept telling her that this was no way to live, this was no way to love.

So one night, sick of the crippling loneliness she decided to call up the boy to ask him if this long distance arrangement was a temporary thing, because she couldn’t take it for much longer. She hoped to hear that the Boy didn't want to be away from her for that much longer and somehow they would figure out how to be together. However, what she got was a sobbering dose of cruel reality. The boy answered a bit irritated “I don’t know, I really don’t think about these things, lets worry about them later. Right now I’m just working my ass off, so I can have some sort of future, this kinda feels like my last chance."

“I’m just so damn tired of always being alone", exclaimed the Girl. “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to quit my job, and put a ring on your finger and be together all the time? Would that make you happy?" -asked the boy angrily.

“Now you’re just being a douche!” said the girl with her heart in a knot. “You know I would never ask that of you and you would never do that for me. All I ask is for you to leave some time for us, otherwise we wont make it! I cant keep fighting for a place in your life, only you can grant me that."

She wanted so badly to make the boy understand her anguish, but then she realized it was pointless, the Boy had made his choice a long time ago. "You know what, I’ve heard enough", said the Girl with an unexpected determination in her voice. “When you play poker you always have to trade in a card to hopefully get the one you want, I'm the card you're trading in for what you believe to be success. Guess you have to take chances in life, the problem is you went and gambled with a girl's heart."

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Of Weeds and Cracks



As the girl waited in the lonely parking lot under the unforgiving noon sun, she looked down to give her eyes a rest from the incessant glare. She noticed a weed coming out from one of the cracks in the concrete. The tiny plant seemed determined to exist where it shouldn’t. Somehow it had found a weak spot in the concrete and made its way to the surface where it could bask under the life giving sun. Then she started wondering how come such a resilient life form could be considered undesirable by most people and branded as a pest. How come people devoted products and energy to stop nature from overcoming such an unnatural material like concrete?

Then just like a spark, a thought suddenly lit up her brain, she realized that her love for the boy was exactly like that weed. Many times had she tried to yank that love from her heart and in a few occasions she had been pretty sure she had pulled it out with roots and all. But just like that pesky weed, that love found a crack in her heart that yet had no healed and started making its way to the surface, so it too could bask under the good sun. And just like that weed in the lonely parking lot, she couldn’t decide if it was an admirable thing to be cherished or if it was a pest that needed to be combated. But what she did know is that every time that love resurfaced it made the crack in her heart just a little bit wider.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

One Day...

One day you and I will run away from here
We’ll run so fast our lungs hurt
The winds will be against us and the heavens will laugh at our foolishness
But we won’t stop till we get far enough from the life we know, far away from the people who don’t understand.
They don’t understand what we have. They don’t see what we see.
Together we are invincible, together we are the best.
We won’t look back, I’ll look at you and you’ll look at me and we will laugh with astonishment at what we’ve done.

And just like that the world will be ours.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Guess What?...



Guess What?...
Prince Charming aint so romantic after all
He’s annoying and messy
He never takes you anywhere nice and his idea of a good time is Sci Fi
He doesn’t shower on Sundays and Oh yeah, he’s got a slight gas problem


But Guess what…
He’s ridiculously loyal and you mean the world to him
He misses you when you leave and he loves all the private jokes you share


And Guess what…
You aint no picnic either Princess.


But you love him and he loves you.
So get on with it and live your fairy tale…

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Sea Out-Guillemots

One of my favorite songs...I love the lyrics but I still don't fully understand them.

Oh, Marbella's on the run
In her eastern overcoat
Used to wear a light bulb dressing gown
Turn it on, then tear it down
Before we went to sleep

So Marbella upped and left
A tuba in a treble clef
Couldn't walk, she wouldn't cry
Dreaming was their only time
And dreams are half asleep

When they go sing out, sea out, sea out, sing out, sing out now
Sea out now, sing out now
Sing out, sing out, sing out, sing out, sing out now
Sea out now, sing out now

So a washed up carnival has just reduced me to my bones
I never did the washing up
I loved the stains on every cup
They were the only hint I had

Now Marbella's gone astray
Somewhere in this black'ning Milky Way
I used to colour in the holes
Now I leave them blank
Now it's only spaces I have cause to thank

Sing out, sing out, sing out, sing out, sing out now
Sing out now, sea out now
Sing out, sing out, sing out, sing out, sing out now
Sing out now, sing out

Well, Marbella is my guest
I treat her just like all the rest
Whisper fairytales of Neverland
Throw the pennies in her hand
Stroke her hair and tell her I've been cheating

Sing out, sing out, sing out, sing out, sing out now
Sing out now, sing out now
Sea out, sea out, sea out, sea out, sea out now
Sing out now, sing out now

Monday, April 26, 2010

One Fine Night...

The night air was warm and the wind was nowhere to be felt. After much consideration she had decided to get her lazy body out of the bed and into the bathroom to wash her sticky face before turning off the lights. As she stared into the bathroom mirror she was greeted by messy pulled back hair and a face flustered from the abnormal heat. But then as she looked at the background of this most peculiar portrait she discovered a bed and in it a body that had already surrendered to sleep. It was the reflection of her bed and in it the boy, who was staying over for the first. The lady in the portrait was suddenly smiling, she liked was she saw. With her face refreshed she turned of the remaining light off and quietly got into bed. The boy mumbled “Good Night” and with a swift turn got his body in a comfortable position. She answered back and closed her eyes, but secretly she wanted that final kiss that would send her off to the world of unconscious with a smile. Given the boy’s absolute immobility she gave up all hope and started to relax her body and put her busy mind at ease, and then she felt it…the boy’s arm around her waist, pulling her towards him. So she made her way to that perfect place between his arms and received the most delightful goodnight kiss. In that moment she knew exactly what she felt for the boy, her heart was filled with it.

Friday, January 29, 2010

A Beautifully Written Song...

Definetly one of my favorite songs, I love all of the wonderful imagery, and I must confess I kinda wish I had come up with something so brilliant!
Cosmic Love-By Florence and the Machine

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Good Part of My Day...

“What am I to you?” asked the boy with a perplexed look on his face.

The minute that question came out of his mouth she knew she was in trouble, she was being forced to talk about her feelings, and that was about the scariest and cruelest thing you could ever do to her. With a nervous smile on her face she began: “Well I have lots fun with you…you keep me entertained that’s for sure!” … “I really enjoy spending time with you”. And every time she opened her mouth to say something that would hopefully get her out of the hole she was digging herself into, she saw disappointment taking over a bigger portion of his face.

But what she supposed to do? Admit that she was truly happy to have him in her life. That when she closed her eyes at night she could still feel that final kiss of the night, that when she woke up in the morning for a split second she thought of him and that was enough to initiate the first smile of the day. That for the first time in her life she didn’t feel like running, her heart wanted to stick around this time. That she could actually come out hurt this time. So she stopped blabbering for a few seconds and with a sincere and terrified look on her face she said the following: “Let’s just say you’re the good part of my day”

“Fair enough” said the boy as he let out an amused smile and took his girlfriend’s nervous hand.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Programmed to Love...



As I look at the people in my life I can’t help but wonder if somehow we were all programmed to always do certain things or follow certain patterns throughout our lives. For example, I am convinced that my mother was programmed to ORGANIZE, it doesn’t matter if she is at home, on vacation, healthy or sick, happy or sad, she will find something to organize, whether it be her already neat closet, my messy drawers, or her suitcase (if traveling). In my father’s case, he was programmed to be METICULOUS, to carry out any assigned task with the most careful detail and precision, whether it be repairing a broken object, washing his car, or folding the supermarket bags. My brother on the other hand was programmed to STRESS OUT, whether its car problems, a home repair, difficult clients, or a case of things not going his way he will stress out. I for one, was programmed to DAY DREAM, no matter how serious the situation or how important the task I’m carrying out my mind will always drift, to a place that exists only to me, where it’s peaceful and most importantly where I can be whoever I wish. My best friend was programmed to explore the world in search of NEW KNOWLEDGE; his university studies appear to have no end and his list of degrees and titles keeps growing. I don’t see him very often, but when I do I know he’ll tell about some new insane research project his working on. Finally as I look at my fat orange cat I realize he too was definitely programmed to do one specific thing, he was programmed to LOVE. Besides eating and sleeping his greatest joy in life is to spend time with me and stare at me adoringly, humbly asking in return a little company and a good scratch on the back. I feel lucky that he was programmed that way, and that he ended up in my home, because every day he reminds me that there is still pure, undiluted goodness in this world.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Year Later....


Dear Dad,

A year ago you called me up in the middle of the morning and as always your call brought a little sunshine into my lifeless routine. I gladly answered the phone and you seemed upbeat. You told me you were going on a short road trip, and as always I wished you a safe trip and you promised to call when you got there. We shared a final laugh and I asked you to be careful.

Well, your call never came. Instead I received a much more painful alternative. In just one second I knew my life was forever changed, from now on it would always be sadder no matter what....you where gone. Life took you away from me. I shall always refer to that day, as the day I was forced to grow up, to experience a concentrated dose of pain that left me numb and heartbroken, and with time it made me stronger.

I must say that friends and family really came out to join me in mourning your loss, yet as I stared into the packed room I knew that I was the one missing you the most. But most importantly I was aware that I knew something that none of them knew: what an incredibly sweet, kind, and noble person you are; and I knew that confidential knowledge trusted to me made me in some way special. It meant you had allowed me into your life, that I was able to be a friend to you, and you had offered me a piece of your being your rarely shared with anyone.

I miss you and I love, and everytime I hear something funny I want to call you and share it with you. We sure had some good laughs, and let me tell you when we laughed together that was when I knew life could be sweet and good.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Little Note...

I found me a reason to smile till my cheeks hurt
A reason to stop making sense
A reason to believe that today might just be a good day
A reason to believe that the world in fact can be a beautiful place

I found you.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

An Open Letter to the Universe


2009 has been a radically different year than 2008 for me. At first glance it doesn’t seem that way, I still wake up every morning at 7, and rush through traffic to get to the same office, where I sit on the same desk and do the same work. I still live in the same house where every night I crash into the same couch to watch some TV with the two same adorable orange cats. Some nights I still go out with the same group of friends and the jokes and the gossip are pretty much the same. But there is one immense difference; I can no longer call that kind hearted man every time I have some silly thing on my mind, or simply because I want to know what my favorite person on earth has been up to. After work I no longer drive up to that house which contains my life story, where I am no longer greeted with a warm hug and a great big smile. I no longer have my dad with me. Without noticing the days have passed and it has been 10 months since my sweet dad died. As it usually happens with the sudden death of a loved one, I feel there are many things I was not able to tell him. Many times have I fantasized of the possibility of writing them all down, and thanks to some cosmic fluke my dad was able to read them. So if I were to write such a letter here’s how it would read:

Dear Dad,
I know you and I are not the most expressive or emotional people on the planet, and there were many things we never said and certain topics we never touched upon, however now I feel a strong desire to share a few things with you, so please bare with me:

1. First of all 10 months, hell even 1 month is too long to go without one of your hugs. I got my last hug at the age of 24, and it still felt just as good and comforting as when I was 5.

2. You are my favorite person ever; I value your opinion more than anyone’s and I truly felt privileged every time we hung out. Beer never tasted better than in your excellent company.

3. You may or may not now this but sometimes I did crazy shit and still continue to do so from time to time, but what has always stopped me from going overboard is my fear of disappointing you. I hope in some way or another I made you proud, because I sure as hell am proud to be your daughter.

4. A lot of people say I am a lot like you and I couldn’t be happier. I love that I have your same sense of humor, your love of music, television and movies, that I’m just as cynical and incapable of showing emotion as you. Thank you for sharing with me your love of random facts and the beauty and power of written words.

5. Even though we never talked about boys, I have to tell you I think I have the subject pretty figured out. Don’t worry I had an excellent male figure; I know what a true man looks like.

6. Ever since I began working I’ve realized that every dime earned takes effort, so thank you for all that you’ve given me. Being an honest hard working family man is nothing short of remarkable.

7. It was a great feeling to go through life knowing that I had someone who really got me and who would always have my back. I’ve had a rough time dealing with having that taken away from me, but I still carry with me all the great memories and all the cool stuff you taught me.

8. Although you never said you love me I know you did, you showed it every single day of your life by being there for me, by being my friend, my mentor, my protector. I know I never said I love you, but I hope you knew. Hopefully I was able to be a good friend to you, a confidant to share your problems with, and someone who always had your back.

9. My life will never be the same without you, new people may come into my life but they will never fill that void you left. Every day I get little reminders that you are gone, and every time I feel my heart break just a little bit more. I don’t intend to let your memory fade anytime soon, and the best way I can is by writing, humbly putting together a few words to remind myself and tell whoever wants to read them what you mean to me.

10. Finally I just wanted to say thank you, it has truly been a privilege!
Related post: Sonata For a Good Man

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Le Plus Inattendu....


He was nothing like the men who usually caught her attention. He wasn’t dangerously charming; as a matter of fact he was a bit quiet and at first glance seemed somewhat dull. He didn’t say things that swept anybody off their feet; instead he was somewhat awkward and quite frankly unnecessarily blunt. He wasn’t dark and handsome; he was completely unremarkable and a bit frumpy. He wasn’t a man who led a particularly interesting life; instead he was content in the anonymity of his quiet existence. So then why was it that she couldn’t stop thinking about him, that she spent a good part of the day yearning to feel his touch and to be in the presence of his smile, a smile so sincere it made her heart swell? Then why was it that the most perfect place in the universe was in his arms?




Could it be because every time she was ready to give up on him he said something so unexpectedly sweet it made her forget any annoyance? Could it be that every time he kissed her he did so, tenderly but with an undertone of passion that left her breathless? Could it be that every time he looked at her he did so with a wonderment reserved for things of magnificance? Could it be because every time he made love to her, he made sure not to leave an inch of her body neglected?


The boy had come unexpectedly into her life and somehow had managed to turn it upside down. It had been weeks since she stopped making any sense and she hated the fact that she cared if he called, that she felt her heart sink when that call didn’t come. She got mad when she would catch herself day dreaming of him in the middle of work or when her mind involuntarily drifted away to the events that had occurred the previous night in his bedroom. She hated the fact that he had the power to make her mad, to make her smile, to make her act downright silly. What she hated even more was that it was her who had allowed this to happen; somehow she had let him into her life and from the look of things, into her heart.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Of the Heart and Happiness





In several occasions she had invited gentlemen into her bed, but never into her life. They had touched her body, but gotten nowhere near her heart. They had left the warmth of their touch on her skin, but not a trace of it could be found in her heart. Her memories were filled with moments of passion, but never of intimacy. She welcomed physical proximity but insisted on emotional distance. Throughout the years she had encountered several gentlemen worthy of her attention, but never had she met anyone worthy of one of her tears, of one of her heartbeats.


From an early age she decided her heart was hers, and wasn’t meant to be shared. For the most part her heart was a willing prisoner, it rarely protested of its confinement. However, from time to time it wondered what was out there. It was in these rare moments that she considered the possibility of allowing herself to feel something, with the modest hope that the other person felt the same way. But when she thought of the prospect of giving her heart away to someone so recklessly, to give someone the ability to hurt her, she immediately gave up on the idea and continued life as usual.

The men in her life brought her momentary amusement, moments of laughter, hell even moments of joy, and that was all she expected from them. She thought it was silly to go searching for happiness with a man, instead she found it in herself, in life and the beautiful treasures of everyday. Her happiness was hers and that made her smile.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Its important to know your place in life!...

"Don't me tell this clown is moving in with us!"-protested the feline...."Shut up Cat, don't ruin this for me!"-whispered the woman..."Well I'm not sharing the couch"-continued the cat..."Enough Cat!"..."Well I'm just saying, its important he knows his place around here"-concluded the cat smugly.

A cruel joke...

She wondered why life had played such a cruel joke on her. Who could she talk to, who could correct the grave injustice that was her existence? Was there some sort of cosmic complaint department? “A terrible mistake has been made!”-she screamed out to the nothingness. But there was no answer, just a blanket of stars to witness her tears and the cover of night to embrace her.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Ahhh...l'amour!

“You’re one odd fellow, did you know that?” she said to the awkward boy holding her hand, as a smile threatened to take over her whole face. She was so thrilled to be able to see in him what nobody else saw. In that vast urban sea of anonymity she had stumbled upon a remarkable treasure undetected by everyone but her. She had found a great big awkward heart to love her own lonely heart.



“I wish we could go back to a time when you still remembered why you liked me” said the man. “Oh I remember all right, it’s just that I’ve begun to question the validity of those reasons” replied the woman dryly.


Saying "I love you" is like holding a gun at someone's head...in both cases there's usually just one right answer.


Friday, July 17, 2009

"Humans are overrated" said the Girl. "Actually they're not half bad" thought the Cat.